Yay, Onion!

One of the better issues of The Onion in a while.

Reagan Pyramid:

"Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to ensure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule to be completed in time for the 40th president's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld [...] Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures, including 2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 stealth bombers, a golden chalice of jelly beans, and his most prized servant, former president George Bush Sr."


Opinion: I Should Not Be Allowed to Say
the Following Things about America

"As Americans, we have a right to question our government and its actions. However, while there is a time to criticize, there is also a time to follow in complacent silence. And that time is now. [...] Once the blood of young men starts to spill, it is our duty as citizens not to challenge those responsible for spilling that blood. We must remove the boxing gloves and put on the kid gloves. That is why, in this moment of crisis, I should not be allowed to say the following things about America: "

Read all about it

Oxyrhynchus

Ancient Egyptian mythology:

"Oxyrhynchus, the 'sharp- nosed fish'[...] According to legend, this fish ate the phallus of Osiris when the god’s body was cut into pieces by his brother Seth. Isis, as 'Abtu, Great Fish of the Abyss,' was identified with the penis-swallower. The fish cult spread to many parts of Egypt."

1 2

Inspired by this, we have decyphered a hieroglyphic inscrption, and discovered it to be an ancient Bronze-Age-Pan-Alley Pop-Tune from 1902 B.C.E.

The Oxyrhynchus Rag
by Sneferu Von Tilzer

Friday Night in Egypt, don't know what to do?
Amen-ho-step over here, come learn a dance that's new.
It's the finest raggy dance, if you'll let me brag,
A fishy thing they call the Oxyrhynchus Rag.

First you wriggle all around just like a pile of squids,
Then do the vulture-trot beside the pyramids,
Everyone rush forward like a locust swarm,
Sway like a papyrus raft, caught in a storm.
Turn your chest forward and your face in profile
And throw your genitalia into the Nile.
When a fishy eats it you do the slow-drag.
And that's the Oxyrhynchus Rag
Sweet Isis
Do that Oxyrhynchus Rag!